Who gets depressed on vacation?

As it turns out, I do. Recently I had the worst episode of depression and anxiety I’ve had in the past three years. Because it happened while I was on vacation, the experience was very discouraging and troubling. I have been struggling to understand why it occurred and what I can do better.


The pace at work is very fast and there is a great deal of activity but by the last Friday in July, I had my work sufficiently organized and I was looking forward to a week off.

On Saturday my wife Pat and I were on a short flight to Victoria. After settling into our hotel, we went for a long walk in this beautiful city, enjoying the scenery and the great weather. On Sunday, Pat decided to go shopping and I went for another long walk. I was thrilled with all the beautiful flowers everywhere, the hot sunshine and the relief of being away from the pressures of work. In hindsight, I was probably much too high that day but failed to pick up on this warning sign.

Later that evening, consistent with my pattern over the years, in an instant my mood changed. I remember thinking how silly it was not to be happy on vacation, but the avalanche of negative thoughts was unstoppable. Every flaw in my wife became enormously magnified. I was angry at myself for feeling this way while on vacation. If this could happen on vacation, I thought, it could happen during retirement. And if I was going to be miserable in retirement, what was the point of living? For the next four days I thought there was no hope of ever being happy and that I might as well put a gun to my head to end my misery.

I was functional for those four days. Pat and I did the things we had planned but I was living on two levels. I was merely going through the motions of doing what was planned but mentally I was miserable. We went to the Butchart Gardens, which are incredibly beautiful, but that did not lift my mood. We visited friends we had not seen in many years, but I was very much faking my mood. Each day I hoped to awaken feeling normal only to be disappointed.

When I am depressed I become very introverted. It is more than not feeling like talking, it is being in a state where talking would take great effort, more effort than I can muster. Needless to say, silence while on vacation is not conducive to positive interaction between a husband and wife. Unfortunately we feed off each others’ negativity and the cycle is hard to break.

But as always, after a few days, four in this case, the dense fog I was in lifted and my mood changed. I was again capable of talking. Life returned to normal and Pat and I enjoyed the remaining days of our vacation.

This episode shocked me because it was severe and I had not had such depression for several years. What just happened? Why?

For the first six months after joining the Mental Health Commission of Canada as Chief Financial Officer, I was on a constant high. I was excited about having a great job with a great organization. Life was very, very good.

After about six months an incident occurred which upset me and brought me back down to earth. It did not trigger depression or anxiety, but it did end the period of a prolonged high. The stress of a demanding job built up over time but I seemed to be handling the challenge well. I was exercising regularly and eating well. But over the year and a half in my current position, sleeping well became more difficult. There was always so much to think about and it was hard to relax. When I started this job I would take Amitriptyline as a sleep aid , but only weekends. Over time, my usage increased to every night, although at a very low dose.

Then early in July, while on a thirty-minute run and hoping for a fast finish, I pulled a leg muscle and limped home. As a result of the injury I had to stop running and this has always been one of the best ways I manage stress. I tried to stay active but walking and gardening are just not the same. I had lost my best means of coping with stress and relaxing.

On my first day back in the office after vacation I was pleasantly surprised to learn that my colleague and friend, Phil Upshall, was in the office. I shared my experience with him and, of course, he was understanding and empathetic. He had a number of helpful suggestions including journaling but I am choosing to blog instead. He also suggested I reconnect with the psychologist I had been seeing a few years ago. He urged me to develop a preventive plan for future vacations. It felt very good to talk with Phil.

Pat and I have been talking a lot about this episode as well. I fear I would be lost without her yet when I need her most, my behavior drives her far away. We are going to try to address this unhealthy dynamic in our relationship.
A week after vacation I went on a trip to Nova Scotia for a family wedding and had an inspiring visit with my mother. At 89, she is mentally completely sound and continues to enjoy a long, healthy retirement. Following in her footsteps is what I really want to do. I know I have much to live for.